pulling off suave

a memorial
to carry your spirit across
for gaston cangiano

one:
you
tossing your scuba gear in the back of the car
or
pulling it out rather
post-dive
on louisiana and landis
one block west of here
during my first visit to san diego
orange dripping down to my wrists and your
eyes sequinning in the sun

two:
when i returned
months later
you remembered the zine (full color feathers and string) i left
on the coffee table

three:
texas street potluck
tucked between you (perched on the piewedge) and your german friend tomas
and you laughed together with a bottle of beer in your hand
like you two had known each other for 10 years
which you had

four:
it’s true
just like kaya says
you could be sick, weakened  from the boxing ring (cancer in the opposite corner)
and still pull off suave
like the time we campus-path crossed
and you were wearing a lightpink button down
and some kind of almost fedora straw/not straw hat
and even when it blew off
to reveal the baldness
which you never actually tried to hide anyway
you stepped down to scoop it up in one
swift
gesture

five:
family dinner on the night corinne comes into town
you are here
elize is here
everything has some form of wheat in it so corinne can’t feast
and you say something questionable
about gender
and i think this is not the portland i know
(which is funny, because i haven’t been in portland for 6 months)

six:
s & m volleyball (with a soccerball)
at the beach
on kaya’s birthday
my forearm bruises last for weeks
and you
came out bruiseless
but pushed it
because you just wanted
to play
again

seven:
how
we would make eye contact
but then
you would also look at my shoes
or sideways at my pink skirt
in a way that seemed like you were
either
admiring
or
thrown off by unshaven legs
or
just trying to figure my scrappy self out

eight:
cookout
at the neighbors
you made sangria
and can’t believe i won’t partake
you continue to fill everyone’s glasses
generously
even after they say
they’ve had enough
not in a pushy way
but in a
we’re here to have a good time
kind of way

nine:
i touched your shoulder
from the backseat
palm to gray tshirt
or was it hoodie
before you stepped out of the car
aware of how close to death i was sitting