what i’ve been

1. toothbrush in mouth
i realize
today is the 2nd
not the first
which means this deadline is a failure

2. lit building
stairwell
between first and second floor
scent of old spice
8:57am

3. this
in the midst of 850 dollar dreams

4. it changes when the pain doesn’t go away
camille says
and no one wants to take that on as an identity

5. unpinning
welcome home matchbooks and
vancouver in black and white from office wall
the lamb clock comes with
the owl bottle comes with
the metal book-end and turbine polaroid too
lit office room #234
in its unvacuumed unglory
goodbye parking structure construction site
goodbye cancer cluster possibly associated with the elevator
goodbye 5 minute walk to the carboardiest-tasting food

6. your sledge-edged voice in appreciation of
knowing when to run to doors and windows
to scan sky for rainbows

7. irus’s wine
swirling in her jar glass
laughing
over casserole
the similarities/differences midwest and the south
and
complimenting a tattoo by holding your hands up and saying something like
it matches!
or
wow, it’s all the same color!

8. the casserole itself
i didn’t learn his name
but i did learn
he spent 10 days with his brother
on mount hood
a foot of fresh powder every day!
i did learn
this is his first foray
into vegan cooking

9. rachel
fabricating matches
with the aid of interpretation between cultures and i
say
i know what i want
and i don’t use the word ‘ladies’

10. paris shows up again
sifting through economies
and i want to know

11. kaya’s shoulder blade
grinds and clacks like an unoiled push-mower
weildy
corroding
metal that refuses to spin

12. walks in wearing a puyol jersey
cheekbones that make history ache
and an accent tucked several sediment layers down

13. when david thanks me for being happy tonight
similar to the essay the woman with the cricket and moth voice and almost-orange hair
read about body weight
it makes me wonder what i’ve been the rest of the time