i am more than i ever dreamt was possible

today
the oven
wouldn’t stop burning
yesterday’s coconut curry soup spill
which paul insisted
smelled like
cheese.
burnt cheese.

and today
a chill chased
the springwave of heat.
rode in with the wind
and crashed.
darts
and
dashes
of rain
thrown down
from gray sky.

today
after you said
i wish you were here
to share the easter candy
my mom sent

it reminded me of a text message marathon.
you in a hotel room in hawaii
me in a back yard bright-lit studio shed
when you offered me
your last fig newton.
i decided
hawaii
must have been the place
of our days together
so many lifetimes ago.

today
i learned
about the magic
of positive opposites.
for example, when i say:
i feel like i’m not enough/what i do is not enough/will never be enough,

when asked what the positive opposite of that is
i come up with:
i am more than i ever dreamt was possible.

and i am rooted in radiance.
groundedness.
ease.
expansiveness.
and the truth that everything is going to work out
and now
instead of writing two paragraphs
stating my financial need
i will begin
with a letter to the universe.

what was panic
and overwhelm
yesterday
is now
a forest-bound hopeful elf
knowing
her heart must decide
which involves
two cities
in one week.
and the thing
about the heart deciding
is that
money
has nothing
to do with it.

when you ask
if i want anything
from minneapolis
i request
a pair of running shoes
that you have run through
but are not too old to pass on.
i like the story
of this inheritance.
and think of that phrase about
walking a mile
in someone else’s shoes.

and did you know
did you know
one of the projects
i’ve been thinking about
is some kind of installation
that
in order for people to fully interact with it
they must lie on the floor
on their backs?
because there is nothing like
watching clouds pass
through the latticework of bare branches
or nothing like absorbing the heat off of asphalt
or nothing like an empty road
out near the clackamas river
at night
where the best way
to star watch
without breaking your neck
is to lay yourself down
on the dashed center line?

and today
perhaps the most glorious
of all
is
today
is the day
sweetie
has been liberated
body
heart
brain
from the circular file
from the milk and gravy pot luck
from the reluctant ‘saying nice things’ speech
from the filing cabinet backdrop
from the cereal box